You will hear this many times in this document, and in our group. This group consists of people from all walks of ethical nonmonogamy. In our group we have swingers and people from the polyamory community and everywhere in between. Ethics within those communities will vary tremendously. Some things that are serious ethical violations in the polyamory community will be acceptable behavior in the swinging community and vice versa. There are some things that are given and assumed ethical violations but even within those violations the seriousness of them will vary also depending on a person’s point of view and the type of ethical nonmonogamy they engage in, the variances of the power dynamics in their relationship and if there are any kinds of kinks involved.

Please check your soapbox at the door….

NO ONE in this group is an authority on ethics, rather each of us is an authority on our own ethics as they apply to us individually. As such we do not allow our members to impose their ethics or their opinions on others. When you speak about your ethics you should talk about your ethics and what they mean TO YOU. We do not allow our members to cast judgment on one another on their ethics, their practices, or the way they do ethical nonmonogamy even when it goes against our individual principles and ethics. You are entitled to your opinion and principles. We are not telling anyone that their ethics are wrong or that their opinions are wrong. In fact, in many cases we actually agree with you.

Why we do not allow the terms “Unethical” or “Ethical”

When you respond to someone you should be sharing your thoughts and feelings and how they relate TO YOU; not in a way that you’re imposing them upon someone else. We do not allow the terms “unethical” or “ethical” when used in ways to cast judgment or to project your ethics onto someone else primarily because of the fact that ethics can vary and seriousness of many behaviors will also vary across our subgroups. More importantly, using the words “unethical” or “not ethical” is just plain lazy communication. It is assuming that the people reading your comment will share your views and your values. Many of us probably do… but some do not… perhaps they are new and don’t understand why the behavior you’re referring to is unethical. Maybe they have a different point of view… maybe… it is even possible that YOU could be misguided or do not have enough information to make a judgement. Instead, we encourage our members to use language and words that are not judgmental, not coming across as an authority, and that speak from our own personal experiences and our own personal thoughts and considerations. Lead with empathy rather than judgment. Speak from an understanding of the other person’s point of view and respond with kindness and consideration because we are more able to influence people with kind words than we are with judgment.

Example:
Group Member – “It is unethical for a couple to engage in seeking a female partner to join into a relationship with them as a couple.”

Right away we can see that this group member is probably polyamorous. Poly people tend to be very antagonistic against anyone they perceive as even potential Unicorn Hunters. This statement is in judgement of people who may or may not even understand they are doing anything wrong, but by judging them, the Group Member has lost any and all ability to influence them. More importantly they are making a snap judgement about people they don’t know and probably haven’t bothered to even begin to understand the people they are making a judgement against simply because they are responding to a community driven trigger… They are not responding with empathy and respect, they are making a judgement, and are closing the door on conversation. This might have been a more appropriate response

Group Member – “I have concerns about the power dynamics at play when a couple connects with someone as a couple. These type of couplings often lead to power imbalances that favor the couple, and often times the solo partner is abandoned at the first sign of trouble or jealousy between the coupled partners. There is a lot of information available about Unicorn Hunter dynamics that you may want to check out to ensure that you are engaging in this kind of connection in an organic and healthy way where all people involved are adequately and equally considered and where the needs and wants of all parties are respected and represented equitably. I would love to share some of these resources and talk to you more about it if you’re open to conversation about it.”

Notice… the latter leaves the door open to communication. Invites the member to respond to the empathy and kindness, and as long as Group Member continues to treat the member with kindness and respect they will have an opportunity to both understand the member’s situation better, but to also influence them into reconsidering their perspective.

This comes under the category of kind and respectful communication. Even when you’re dealing with people that may have different views than you do, we expect you to treat them with kindness and empathy. Maybe even more so than otherwise…  

Lastly this… and this part is important.

If you’re a member of our ENM Group on Facebook, and a Moderator or Admin tells you that you’re violating this subpart of our “Treat others with Respect and Kindness rule” it is a warning… not a debate. We will not debate ethics with you. (chances are VERY good that we agree with your ethics but we are obligated to be unbiased) Likewise this policy that is put in place to provide equity to all members of our group, is not up for debate or discussion. We want you to lean into our efforts of making this a community where we welcome everyone, and learn from each other by influence. If you push back on this policy, and push back on the Moderators warning, we will help you on your way to find a group more suitable for you.

The following outlines our Mod/Admin Team chain of actions for any rule violation.

#ModReminder – we’re reminding you about this rule, and we expect you to correct your behavior by changing the wording of your comment or removing it completely. You will be given 12 hours to make the appropriate changes or will escalate to an #AdminReminder
#AdminReminder – An Admin action has been taken against you. You’ve been suspended pending Admin review. You will not be able to interact in the group until you’ve contacted an Admin and/or a decision has been made by our Admin Team. If this is your first strike, depending on the severity of your actions, you may be given a warning/suspension, and if you receive another strike within 90 days you could be removed from the group. If your infraction is deemed serious enough, you could be removed at discretion of the Admin team.
#AdminAction – If this is a second offense, or a serious enough offense, you will be removed at Admin discretion. All member removals are permanent. We don’t want to remove people, and only do so if we feel the safety and security of the group and its principles are at risk, or if we feel that a member is refusing to comply with our rules and our Admin’s direction. Thousands of people enjoy the community we’ve cultivated, we will not allow the behavior of a few people to ruin it for everyone else.

Please keep in mind… when a Moderator or an Admin reaches out to you about a rule violation, it is not that we disagree with your ethics, your values or your opinions…. Chances are we probably share those values. We are tasked with enforcing our rules, and we have to do so in an unbiased manner.

Use this table to explore and navigate through the pages of our ENM Members Guide. 

LoveTribeMedia hosts this space for our ENM Members Guide for convenience of our members and prospective members. We also administrate the ENM Group but in no way do we share any private information from our members, nor do we use that information for marketing purposes or any other purpose of any kind. We don’t even use the group to market any of our work unless we offer an opportunity for others to market theirs as well… (ie podcast posts etc)