ENM Group Members Guide

Why we allow Unicorn Hunters in our Group

Ours is a unique group in ENM circles. We allow and embrace people from all walks of Ethical Non-monogamy, and even some whose ethics may be questionable to us. We do so because we’ve come to realize that across the vast span of people the Ethical Non-monogamy label applies to, from Swingers to Poly-folk and everywhere in between… values tend to be different. For some what is mortal sin in ENM, is someone’s excitement in another (and not necessarily unethical). Ethics can be funny that way sometimes.

Anyone who has ever spent any time in an ENM group, especially one that leans toward polyamory has seen this played out so many times. A couple comes on and posts about how they are new and are looking for that third to complete their relationship… or how they are only seeking a female to join in with the couple. There are many different variations of this… but the end result is ALWAYS the same… they get labelled as Unicorn Hunters and bullied until they leave the group.

We do not allow bullying in this group…. Period. It doesn’t matter if you agree with their ethics or not. It doesn’t matter how toxic their situation is in your opinion… we don’t allow bullying.

Here’s why…

Guess what? Some FFM Triads ARE actually created ethically. When an FFM triad is created based on autonomy, and healthy discussion and negotiation, it can be done in an ethical way. Our communities have developed a self-justified knee jerk response, while usually accurate… is not ALWAYS accurate, and the idea of shunning healthy Triads based on your assumption is toxic. You may be right… but you could also be wrong. It may not be YOUR jam, but it is to a lot of people. Let’s embrace tolerance to learn and to help others learn from our collective, rather than the judgement of one person.
Most Unicorn Hunters are new… most of the ideas that people who engage in UH ideals… just don’t understand that what they are doing is potentially harmful. It is your job, if you choose to accept it… to influence them to make better choices. Notice I said influence and not judge… when you judge people, when you communicate aggressively with them, you put them on the defensive, and you lose the ability to influence them.
I call this the “training wheel” mentality. New people will come up with some wild ideas on how to “protect” their relationship while engaging in ENM… this is one of them. It’s up to us to guide them gently to better and more ethical ways. We can’t influence them if we’re driving them off!
In some cases, people enjoy being the Unicorn. In the Swinging world – you know… the more casual side of our ENM spectrum… being a Unicorn is actually a GOOD THING.
This is one of those places where there is a huge difference between polyamory and swinging. Some women who engage in the casual side of things LOVE to be a female object to be revered by a couple. It’s a huge turn on for them. FFM hookups are common in clubs and in swinging circles.
Even within more polyamorous relationships. We’ve encountered women who love the exclusivity of dating a couple. They get to enjoy their bisexuality, by having a male partner and a female partner to engage. If everything is negotiated and consented to…Who are we to yuck their yum?

Don’t get me wrong… we’re not trying to justify Unicorn Hunting. We hate toxic forms of Unicorn Hunting just as much as you do… and the reality is, UH situations are far more likely to have some toxicity to them than otherwise. But… it’s not our place to judge what we don’t know… at least not in THIS forum.

The bottom line is… when you’re talking to a stranger on the internet, you never really know what their story is. You don’t know the background in their relationship? Where they are coming from as far as whether they are looking to engage casually, or in a more polyamorous way? You don’t know if they have read up on appropriate boundaries, and ethical practices? We all can assume and draw our own conclusions, but why not instead, try to reach out to them, and get to know them a bit… and then, if they need guidance, why not try to communicate with kinder, gentler language, that shows them respect and dignity… you will be way more likely to influence them to better choices.

Everyone else is driving them off… lets embrace them and help them find a better way or at least help them form a triad in a healthy way.